Lefty Obamanation

By Tom Tamaguchi

Barack Hussein Obama did not waste any time before publicly flaunting his perverse, degenerate lifestyle. Sitting down to sign the first proclamation of his presidency, witnesses stood in horror as Obama grabbed his pen with his left hand. Then, with the audacity that has become his trademark, Obama glared at the shocked onlookers and blurted out, "I'm a lefty. Get used to it." With that act, the rumors that had circulated during the campaign were finally confirmed. Our newly elected President has chosen the left-handed lifestyle.

Religious leaders have pointed to the tendency of Americans to elect left-handed leaders as a sign our nation is headed to moral oblivion. Past presidents such have Bill Clinton have tried to keep their sinister tendencies quiet. Ronald Reagan successfully converted to the proper hand, though it took years of therapy. It is said, that while governor of California, several interventions were performed at a secret location near Lake Tahoe. For Barack Obama, it may already be too late.

"It's shameful, " says the Reverend Gilbert Procturn. "All major religions reject the left-handed lifestyle as morally repugnant. The left hand is the unclean hand. You use your left hand to wipe yourself after using the toilet. When I see our President touching a legal document with his unclean hand, it is like he is wiping himself with the United States Constitution."

There is no doubt in Rev. Procturn's mind that sinisterism is against all that Christianity stands for. "Ask our good Roman Catholic brothers and sisters. If they tried to grab a pencil with the wrong hand in Catholic School, there would be a nun with a ruler on top of them ready to inflict serious damage. If they didn't comply, you better believe those left hands would end up in no condition to hold anything."

This approach may seem a bit severe to some in the psychological community. Richard Coma of the Brain Healing Institute has developed a cure for what he calls Opposite Brain Disorder or OBD. "Lefties are thinking in the wrong side of their brains, and we need to reach out with God's love to help them with their problem." Coma developed his methods through interventions similar to Reagan's treatments in a secret Lake Tahoe condominium. Coma admits that he once chose the sinister lifestyle. "My therapist was a big man. He was very powerful and firm. After one weekend session, I found I could use my right hand and enjoy it."

Now it is Coma who is administering the treatments. "If I have a relapse, I can even perform the treatments on myself." He admits that not all of his peers approve of his method. "They took away my license to practice psychotherapy. It was all very political. They just don't want their patients to know the truth."

Coma cites statistics and provides evidence the left-handed die younger and live completely miserable lives. "Nobody really wants to be left-handed. Doesn't everybody want to be normal, I mean, like everybody else?"

Coma supports himself by selling books and conducting trainings at the Brain Healing Institute. His book for parents, Growing up Right, shows how OBD can be caught and reversed at a very young age. "Restraining the left hand behind your child's back is one way you can heal OBD. It may sound harsh, but think of it as tough love. Have faith and remember that OBD can be cured."

The Reverend Procturn is more pessimistic. "Showing Obama with his left hand hooked around his pen and smiling like that sends the wrong message to our nation's youth. If we don't condemn this shameful public performance, kids will think there is nothing wrong with it. Obama is recruiting them to his perverted, sinister lifestyle. Obama and all of them are headed straight to hell. We have to take a moral stand for this country. "

Would we have been better off if Obama had not been elected? "No," admitted the Reverend. "There is no hope. McCain is left-handed, too."