What's Real About Reality TV?

This is a reprint of one of Alex Bennett's columns for Hustler Magazine.  As usual it is edited by Bruce David.

by Alex Bennett

Will somebody please sue the TV networks. What television passes off as “reality” isn’t reality at all and the way it alters our perception of reality is dangerous to the national mental health. I remember the movie “The Running Man” with Arnold Schwarzenegger as a criminal who was made to fight for his life on National TV. I laughed at the preposterousness of it all. But I’m not laughing anymore.

The first reality show as we now know them wasn’t by any of the major networks but on PBS. In 1973, the network covered the day to day life of the Loud family titled “An American Family”. The idea was to follow an American family and catch their real life and travails. It was successful in catching an audience, but real life was a bit more elusive. The presence of crew people no matter how unassuming, didn’t keep the family from acting to them. As a result the wife announced to her husband that she was getting a divorce. Years later she said she might not have gone for the divorce if the cameras weren’t there. The frosting on the cake was their son Lance announcing to the family that he was gay. He later tried to monopolize on his fleeting fame by trying a show business career that failed. He died in 2001 of Hepatitis C and AIDS. There were a number of send-ups of the show the most notable being the first film by Albert Books called “Real Life”.

It took 19 years before the next reality show to hit TV. “The Real World” was the concoction of MTV in which put a bunch of young people in a house together for several weeks. The new twist was that the participants were cast rather than trying to mirror reality and the producers would create conflict by doing things like cutting off their power or water. The more conflict the better. Much like “An American Family” the participants in “The Real World” created conflict on their own in the belief that the more outrageous their personalities the more famous they would become, so their actions became anything but natural.

The next entry into the reality sweepstakes came in 2000 when a TV producer named Mark Burnett convinced CBS to take a program based on a Swedish hit “Expedition: Robinson”. He changed the name to “Survivor” and the rest is history. Castaways on a deserted island fight each other to win a million dollars. It was on “Survivor” that one of TV’s low moments was reached. Contestant Michael Skupin stood out by being so hungry that he killed a wild boar with his bare hands, but those hands became famous in their own right when he got woozy one night and fell into a fire burning them so badly that he had to be airlifted to a hospital and out of the show. What made this whole situation so disgusting was that a cameraman kept filming him rather than help or prevent the problem altogether because the producer admonished them previously to keep rolling no matter what happens and not to interfere. Remember “Network” anyone? In the end modern medicine saved his hands but “Survivor” aired the grizzly footage of the skin peeling from them while he gave out with agonizing screams.

Reality has become a favorite fare of the networks due to their low cost and big ratings potential as opposed to the scripted shows. There are some things that are not as well known. If you wonder why these people allow their lives to be bared on television, the answer is simple, they get paid. The more episodes of the “Survivor” you do the more you get paid in talent fees. It’s even been rumored that one of the Nanny shows pay as much as $50,000 and episode for the parents and $25,000 a child.

The there are the personality reality shows like “The Osbournes” with Ozzie the musician and his wife and two kids. Reality my ass! You never saw the other Osbourne child, that’s because she refused to be on the show and was treated as if she didn’t exist. Once and again she did show up in a shot.

The problem is some people think that what they are seeing really exists and then compare there lives to it. Society becomes what the mirror reflects back at them. These days, that mirror is TV.

Suddenly all those programs we saw as a parody of TV in futurist movies are coming to pass. I suppose we are only a few years away from “The Running Man” or better yet, “You Bet Your Life” for real.

Let Aquaman Smoke His Dope

by Alex Bennett

Leave Michael Phelps the fuck alone.  Allow the poor guy to lead the life of a 23 year old.  Hell, I wish I was 23 again and allowed to learn life by living it in every way possible and find out where I fit in it.  What is 23 good for if you can't make mistakes.  There's enough time for that later.

I'd like to know who the low life was that released the picture of Phelps sucking away on a bong, but he or she is the real criminal here.  Doesn't Phelps have the right to a private life?   We need laws to protect victims of this sort of thing.  It seems that privacy just isn't protected.   Just because he swam faster than anybody else, does that deny him privacy?  He should be allowed to sue the people who took and then released the pictures along with all the asshole publications that published them.

Which brings us around to pot itself.   There isn't a single informed human being in America who doesn't know what a benign drug it is.  Sure it gets you high, but that's really all it does.  It doesn't make you aggressive and commit hostile actions it only makes you hungry.  But you know all that.

What really pisses me off is the public face on this thing.  The news people all acting astonished and calling him reckless when in all probability if they are under 70, they have tried pot or been around it.   It's hard to believe that after all these years we still pretend that it is some loathsome drug habit and still accept it's illegality. 

Years ago in New York City, P.J. O'Rourke and I were passing a joint between us when P.J. commented "You know when we get older and get the power this shit's going to be legal". What happened? Not only to pot but to P.J?  Oh well I suppose knowing P.J. he still thinks pot should be legal because he's of libertarian bent.

When are we going to stop this charade?  As far back as the Indian Hemp Commission report in 1906 the drug was deemed benign.   The argument always goes "we need more studies".   Aren't 103 years of studies enough.   

It's time to make it legal, especially in California where they could use the tax revenue that pot would create.

Time to Whig Out! The Glorious Rants of the U. S. Whig Party!

by Tom Yamaguchi

Happy 236th birthday to William Henry Harrison, our country's greatest President! Harrison was born on February 9, 1773 on Berkeley Plantation, VA and elected in 1840 as the ninth President, the oldest elected to that office until Ronald Reagan. After three hours of sitting on his horse during his inaugural parade, Harrison gave an hour and forty-five minute long inaugural address while standing in a cold wind and not wearing a hat or coat. Later that night, he made appearances at three inaugural balls. He ended up catching a cold, which later turned to pneumonia. 

One month later, Harrison died without having done much of anything as President. Since he didn’t have much of a presidential record for us to complain about, our reformed Whig Party decided that he was our Greatest President. This discovery inspired us to commemorate the 203rd birthday of Harrison with a party in Berkeley, CA in February 1976. Notices were sent out to the media of this important event that coincided with the year of the U.S. bicentennial. One notice was sent to Herb Caen of the San Francisco Chronicle. Caen pioneered what has become known as "three dot journalism." Getting mentioned in his column was the noble pursuit of many would be activists, performers, artists, writers, and others who clamored for their well-deserved 15 minutes of fame. The birthday party was not mentioned in Caen's column, at least not directly. Several days after, Caen mentioned Millard Fillmore who has a street named for him in San Francisco. "Fillmore was a Whig," wrote Caen, "and what a party that was." That was probably the best publicity we received.

After spending almost 25 years praising William Henry Harrison’s presidential record, we decided to actually investigate the official records of his administration. In 1897, the government Printing Office issued a multi-volume set of books entitled “Messages and Papers of the American Presidents,” and we found a cheap, used copy of the volume we wanted in a bookstore. William Henry Harrison’s administration was covered in the 1841-1849 volume, which published his Special Message withdrawing all pending nominations from the Senate on March 5, 1841. It also printed his March 17 Proclamation calling for Congress to come into an extraordinary session on May 31 to address the nation’s debts. Congress did come into session on that date, although Harrison had been dead for almost two months at that point. The book also reprints his lengthy inaugural address and provides a listing of the participants in the funeral procession. 

Our research revealed that Harrison had actually directed the greatest and most honorable order ever issued by an American President. This order has been covered up for over 100 years. Harrison had directed Secretary of State Daniel Webster to issue a circular letter to all the departments of the federal government to request that all Federal Government employees be informed that the President would consider it as ground for dismissal from office the giving or receiving of any campaign contribution by any Federal Government employee. In short, give or receive a campaign donation and you lose your government job. Can you imagine President Obama issuing such an order?

The Whig Party revives the values of Old Tippecanoe, the Hard Cider and Log Cabin candidate. During Harrison's time, the Whigs were composed of individuals who had very little in common. In fact, there was only one position they could agree on. They all hated Andrew Jackson. In keeping with that tradition, our Whig Party hates Andrew Jackson, too. We are incensed by the sight of the Evil Andrew Jackson on the twenty-dollar bill. If you want to rid yourself of Jackson's corrupting influence on your wallet, you may send all those disgusting pictures of Jackson to the U.S. Whig Party, and we will recycle them for you.

Whig Party Demands Re-Affirmative Action

After the election of Millard Fillmore, the original Whig Party fell apart and was replaced by the secret Know Nothings. We maintain the Know Nothing tradition by being a secret political party and promoting our “top secret” political demands. One of our foremost demands is to have broadcast licenses be non-saleable and non-renewable. The licenses have to be awarded by randomly selected juries. This demand alone guarantees we will receive no coverage by the broadcast media and ensures our status as a secret political party. Our next demand is that those awarded licenses must perform one month of “Re-Affirmative Action!” for every year they hold their licenses. What is “Re-Affirmative Action!” you may ask?

We believe that every Judge, every elected official, every holder of a television or radio broadcasting license, and a sundry list of other officials who enjoy certain rewards as a result of their position should be required to serve one month in a randomly selected jail or prison for every year they hold their position. The Constitution of the United States uses the term “Good Behavior” as the criteria that specifies the length for judicial terms, with the term “Good Behavior” being otherwise undefined. We want Congress to pass a law that requires the yearly performance of “Re-Affirmative Action!” to be a necessary component of “Good Behavior.” Courts and trials would be unnecessary because the performance of one’s “Re-Affirmative Action!” duties would merely be yet another administrative requirement necessary for holding the office, position, or license. We also think all lawyers should be required to perform “Re-Affirmative Action!” for two weeks for each year they are licensed to be lawyers.

Whigs contend that our leaders are junkies, strung out on campaign contributions. They often perform amazing acts of political prostitution in order to obtain more contributions. Since our laws have traditionally dealt with social problems by throwing junkies and prostitutes in jail, we believe that throwing political junkies and prostitutes in jail through the performance of “Re-Affirmative Action!” would be a social improvement.

Let us then celebrate the presidency of William Henry Harrison. If not for a fatal case of pneumonia, he would have gone down in history as just another militaristic, Indian-killing, asshole, son-of-a-bitch. Join us in a toast of hard cider and a round of stirring campaign songs.

Rock-a-bye Baby,

Daddy's a Whig.

Before he comes home, hard cider he'll swig.

And then become tipsy and over he'll fall.

And down will come Daddy, Tip, Tyler, and all.

Send a stamped, self-addressed #10 envelope to P.O. Box 4210, Berkeley, CA 94704 if you want to receive a leaflet. The Whig Party cheerfully embezzles all contributions. Since we are a secretive political party, we usually don't respond to e-mail sent to uswhigparty@yahoo.com, but you can try anyway. In fact, we are quite suspicious of all communications. They don't call us Know Nothings for nothing.

Sunday Funnies Redux

Here is a tribute to one of the funniest comedians that I have ever known, the late Warren Thomas.   He possessed one of the fastest comedy minds in the business and this Sunday lets honor him with this video.  Had he lived he would have become a major player.   We miss him.