2008-Great Moments in Disappointment

by Tom Yamaguchi

Wow, it's January 2009 already. I'm still trying to catch up with all the year end newsletters I received from my family and friends in December. Here is one from my conservative Republican Uncle Forrest.

Dear Folks,

Our family has been truly blessed this past 2008. Our daughter Cindy was fifth in the state spelling bee, and her sister Suzie was a semifinalist in the National Trampoline Championship. Their brother Bobby spent all of football season on the bench, but, as he tells us, "It's better than getting my neck broken out there!" Bobby, he's such an optimist.

After the election, I decided to step down as the chairman of the county Republican Party. Things did not go the way we hoped this year. It started with a lackluster lineup of candidates in the primaries. I had almost given up hope last January when a friend told me about Fred Thompson. Yeah, he'll save us. He's an actor like Ronald Reagan. He's a real conservative like Reagan. Excited, I sat down to watch Fred announce his candidacy on live TV. Before it was over, I don't know who fell asleep first, Fred or me. When I did wake up I was looking at John McCain. After, a nice nap, McCain didn't look so bad. After a couple of beers, he looked even better.

We all welcomed Sarah Palin as the vice-presidential nominee. She weathered the onslaught of the liberal media who tried to embarrass her by asking her questions about stuff she doesn't know. What is this, Jeopardy? How many people on the street could tell you what the Bush Doctrine is? And those of us who do know, including Bush, are trying to forget what it is.

The scum media shamefully dragged Sarah's family problems into the public. Those reporters thought they had some kind of license just because Palin brought her unwed, pregnant daughter on stage, holding her baby brother so we wouldn't see her tummy. Hey, they were trying to keep it a secret until after the election. Don't talk about it! At least all that attention showed the world how Republicans can be pro-choice. We're all for it when the choice is being made by parents who are opposed to their daughters getting abortions.

So John McCain ended up looking like a crazy old guy wandering around the stage, and Sarah Palin had trouble convincing us she had relevant experience. Ok, so living close to Russia and signing a gas treaty with Canada isn't really conducting foreign policy. In my business, its called padding your resume. Hey, everyone does it. And Joe the Plumber! Where did they find him? We should have ditched him under somebody's sink in Ohio or some other state like that where he'd never be heard from again. I am sure then we would have had a chance. 

Yes, we made some big mistakes in 2008, but the biggest one was letting Barack Hussein Obama become our next President. Yeah, that one! We were sure he would turn this country into an Islamic, Communist dictatorship if we let him anywhere near the White House. But after the election, what has he been doing? He has been acting like the moderate he said he was during the campaign! Nobody is supposed to tell the truth during the campaign! That's not fair! It's un-American! How can we hate a guy who, it turns out, doesn't pal around with terrorists? Obama fooled everyone in both parties. On the bright side, the liberal Democrats will end up hating him more than we Republicans do.

Leaving my post at the GOP is just one of the many changes that are in store for 2009. A few days before Christmas, I received this email from my boss Ebenezer.

"Dear Staff:

"First, let me take this time to wish you all a Very Merry Christmas. Let's not forget there is still a War on Christmas, and I'm not going to let those politically correct, atheistic Commies destroy this joyous occasion.

"Second, let me inform you that your services are no longer needed as the company is now bankrupt and you are all being laid off. I want to thank you for all those years of pitching in to keep our struggling ship stay afloat in these perilous times. Thanks for rejecting the opportunity to unionize and for those wage and benefit givebacks. Your sacrifice has saved us some big bucks. Thanks for training the employees of our independent contractor Greywater Corp so that they could staff their new offices in India. This has helped us maintain our high level of customer service since the last round of layoffs in our domestic divisions. Unfortunately these efforts were not enough, but please do not feel too discouraged, especially when you see out CEO at his news conference tomorrow blaming the company's downfall on excessive payroll and fringe benefits. He is only trying to easy the pain being felt by our stockholders who have seen their shares drop from a high of $89 to yesterday's close of 17 cents. And even though he is leaving with a $12 million golden parachute, believe me, he feels as bad about this as I do. 

"One more thing. Since the company is bankrupt, there is no Christmas bonus or severance pay, but I hope we can still be friends on MySpace. You can write when I take my new position with Greywater in India. Kind regards, Ebenezer."

I will remember that email the rest of my life, and I hope you all have a memorable 2009. Love, Forrest